Breaking Dawn: Part 1

Posted: November 18, 2011 in Bella Swan, Breaking Dawn, Edward Cullen, Movie Reviews, Movies, Rachael Jamison, Twilight
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Eclipse

 No measure of time with you, would be long enough. But we’ll start with forever.

The Best Thing About It: My drive-in burrito. I kid, I kid! (Well, sort of. It was really delicious.)

Concerning the storyline - Edward’s backstory. They reveal that he was basically a vampire version of Dexter, which is a really smart and interesting concept, but then immediately wussify (yep, I just made up a word) him. I think I’d enjoy old, badass Edward. If they make a movie about him, I’ll see it even without the lure of a greasy, meaty treat and a blog to vent my feelings.

Concerning the filmmaking – Breaking Dawn: Part 1 is technically leaps and bounds ahead of any of the rest of the saga. The dream sequence in which Bella imagines herself and Edward standing over the bloody, white-clad bodies of her family and friends at her wedding was perfect. But maybe even more impressive than that is the fact that Bill Condon managed to get Kristin Stewart to actually look people in the eyes and, at some point, I almost understood that she had emotions. Since this is the first I’m seeing of it, I’m going to credit that with the director’s instruction. I’m thrilled to see that he will continue to direct Part 2.

What Would’ve Made It Better: If something would’ve happened. Obviously I’m exaggerating a little, but it’s really not that far of a stretch. Since I watched Breaking Dawn at the drive-in with a clock visible at all times, I was painfully aware of how long things were drawn out. The first hour of the movie literally covered the wedding and honeymoon. AN HOUR! The second hour of the movie was everyone waiting around for Bella to have the baby. While I’m sure these are events that book fans have been eagerly awaiting, for us movie-only watchers, it just dragged on and on… and on. I’m all for taking time so viewers can experience what the characters are feeling, but in this case it was ineffective. I just kept waiting for something to happen, but in the end all I got was a minute long teaser in during the credits. Guess they’re saving the ”good stuff” for the last movie.

Random Thoughts: I’m off Team Jacob. Not because I want to switch teams, but because both of these guys are far too stupid for me to pick sides.
I felt for Jacob, but now he’s just become pathetic. She’s married and is clearly only keeping him around because she’s selfish and sees him and someone who can fill a void that Edward can’t. Have some self-respect and move on with your life, Jacob. Stop risking everything and turning against your family to defend her. She chose Edward – it’s now his responsibility, not yours.
I can’t be on Team Jacob until he grows a pair. I respect that he’s secure enough to allow Jacob to hang around, but come on! Bella mentions that she’s cold and immediately Jacob is there offering to warm her with his body heat. Do blankets not exist in Forks? This is something that should irritate him. Bella suggests they name their son EJ (Edward Jacob) and he doesn’t have a problem with that?! I’ll suggest to my future husband that we name our son after all the guys I’ve had feelings for and see how that goes over. And, maybe the worst infraction of them all, Bella tells Jacob in front of the entire Cullen clan that without him she doesn’t feel complete. Hasn’t Jerry McGuire taught us anything?! Still, no reaction. What the what?! Be a man, Edward. Do something! You’re a flipping vampire! 

How long was Jacob on-screen before he took his shirt off? Hmm.. 13 seconds or so. Hilarious.

“Bella, you can’t let Edward turn you!”
“Oh, well he’s not going to do it until after the honeymoon.”
“What?! You’re gonna have sex with him before he turns you? He must turn you now!”
There’s no pleasing Jacob.

Since Bella and Edward having sex was supposed to be some big (pardon my use of words) climax, shouldn’t it have been more passionate? First, they’ve been waiting to do this so I expected some sort of emotion to be involved. Second, apparently he could’ve killed her with his penis, but everything seemed pretty boring. And third, he freaks out over a few bruises when clearly it could’ve been much worse and she was fine. I know it’s just a sex scene, but given the bit of history we do know about the characters, it should’ve been handled better.

Could any movie be more heavy-handed about two people being in love? Jiminy Christmas.

Who spends their honeymoon playing chess on a beach? BORING!

When it comes to music, Breaking Dawn is the Full House of movies. Every time there’s some “meaningful” moment, the filmmakers goad you into emotion with musical cues. Unfortunately this takes place in over 93% of the movie.

The Twilight saga is pretty bad, but the wolf conversation with the pack in wolf form was so bad that it even looked stupid in a Twilight movie. Either have the conversation in human form or sub-title the wolf groans. The talk/growl combo was horrible.

Why not turn Bella when she starts having problems with the pregnancy? Wouldn’t that have saved all sorts of problems? I’m assuming they addressed that in the book, but I’m not reading the book so they should’ve filled the rest of us in.

No Volturi? Blerg. Luckily they’ve put off all the potentially interesting stuff for the last four movies, so the finale should actually be entertaining. Should be.

Hottie Alert (for the dudes): Nikki Reed

The Verdict: While technically Breaking Dawn: Part 1 is substantially better that the rest of the saga thus far, the story line was a complete bore. “READ THE BOOKS!” I hear you yelling at me. I’m not arguing that the books aren’t better, I’m just saying that I’m watching the movie. I should be able to do that and still get a coherent story without reading the books. It’s irresponsible film making. They use their time so poorly, it’s should be embarrassing to Stephanie Meyer. I’m making an assumption here, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say there is more depth to these characters in the book. Instead of wasting time on meaningless stares and atrocious dialogue, why not use it to flesh out your characters so I care about them despite the rest of the flaws in the story? Harry Potter managed to do it successfully – Twilight could’ve done the same.
But what am I really arguing here? I’m up in arms about the series as a person who loves the art of filmmaking and dramatic story telling. These movies were not made for people like me. They were made for teenage girls. It’d be like me getting upset about a movie adaptation of The Babysitters Club. It’s not made to please me, so my opinion is moot. If the fans enjoy it, then it’s a success. And seeing the response I’ve got from my Twi-hard friends, it is. Still, I’m the one writing the reviews here, so in my moot opinion, Breaking Dawn: Part 1 gets a whopping 2/10.

Eclipse

Posted: November 17, 2011 in Bella Swan, Eclipse, Edward Cullen, Movie Reviews, Movies, Rachael Jamison, Reviews, Twilight
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New Moon


I kissed Bella.. and she broke her hand punching my face.

The Best Thing About It: The backstories of Jasper and Rosalie. It’s amazing what a little character development can do. Both of the stories combined maybe took up 5 minutes of screen time, but having the knowledge of where they came from and why they’re now part of the Cullen clan has made these minor characters some the most interesting in the saga to me. Oh, and Jasper and Alice > Edward and Bella.

What Would’ve Made It Better: If something new would happen. I was entertained by (how bad) Twilight (was) and New Moon exceeded my expectations, but now it just seems like the same story rehashed. I’m bored with the love triangle and they’re giving me virtually nothing new about the Volturi. Kristin Stewart still can’t act and the parts that did interest me (Jasper and Rosalie histories and the Victoria showdown) didn’t fill neraly as much time as they should have.

Random Thoughts: Why am I just noticing that Edward’s dad is Mike Dexter?! Shame on me. I blame the hair.

Riley’s transformation was by far the best opening of the Twilight saga.

Finally! Someone brings up the fact that Jacob is shirtless for no reason at all! Thank you, Edward.

Kristin Stewart should play a blind person. She only makes eye contact with people 23% of the time anyway.

I get why Jacob would show up at the graduation party, but why exactly did he and his wolf buddies get to sit in on the top secret meeting about Alice’s vision when they originally had no idea it was about Bella’s safety? Don’t they hate each other?

Was is supposed to be some big shocker when Bella put together that Victoria was the one building the army? Sometimes the plot is offensive to my intelligence. (Side note: I know Bella marries Edward and gets pregnant with a baby that’s killing her in the next movie. I’m gonna go ahead and call now that Edward turns her to save her life. Just a guess.)

Man, that tent scene was excruiating and may have caused Eclipse to lose a full point off it’s rating.

Hottie Alert: Mike Dexter.. err.. Peter Facinelli

The Verdict: Sadly, I have nothing new to report. I still hate Bella. I still don’t care about she and Edward’s love story.  Even though I’m firmly on Team Jacob, I’m getting irritated with the pissing contest between he and Edward over a girl that’s not at all worth fighting for. The laughable dialogue is becoming less funny and more pathetic. The plot is painfully predictable. And, to top it off, the aspects of the series that have to potential to really grab my attention are being suffocated by the teenage soap opera drama of it all. Of course, that’s what the Twilight saga is – a teenage soap opera… so at least it’s living up to it’s title. 2/10

Coming up next: Breaking Dawn: Part 1

New Moon

Posted: November 15, 2011 in Bella Swan, Edward Cullen, Movie Reviews, Movies, New Moon, Rachael Jamison, Reviews, Twilight
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3

Twilight

Bella, you’re apologizing for bleeding?

The Best Thing About It: I’m a fan of vampires. I was before it became the trendy thing to do. And even though these vampires follow pretty much no established lore other than the whole blood sucking thing, I’m still interested to find out the history behind them and how their conflict will play out. With the introduction of the Volturi (yay Michael Sheen!) and the search for Victoria continuing, not to mention bringing the werewolves and the treaty they have into the equation, this is by far the most interesting element in the saga.

What Would’ve Made It Better: Re-cast Bella. I won’t sugar coat it – Kristin Stewart is horrendous.  Honestly, her bad acting was not just irritating to watch, it actually pulled me out of some scenes that had the potential to be engaging.
Here’s why her inability to act should really irk you as a Twilight fan: I’m told that in the books Bella is warm and kind and never waivers in her love of Edward. Nothing could be further from the truth for movie portrayed Bella. You can blame some of that on Melissa Rosenberg. Evidently she decided to create the Edward/Bella/Jacob love triangle (which didn’t exist in the book, if I’m getting good information), which served only to make me feel sorry for Jacob, hate Bella and stay neutral about Edward. However, there is no one to blame for the unfeeling, heartless way Bella interacts with the people she loves but Kristin herself. I can tell the dialogue is meant to make her likable, but her delivery is flat and unconvincing. Go back and watch the scene when Bella goes to Italy and pushes Edward out of the sunlight. After months of longing for him, her face shows no emotion. None. If I had any shot at feeling some sort of connection to their love story, she ruined it for me with one look.
My solution to the problem: cast Anna Kendrick as Bella instead of Jessica. Boom. Done. Simple.

Random Thoughts: I like Bella’s dad quite a bit. Same with Edward’s. Interesting to see so many strong older male figures in a movie directed at teenage girls. It’s refreshing. Kudos to you on that, Stephanie.

So there’s a group of teenage boys who walk around wearing no shirts and jean shorts with matching tattoos in Forks, Washington which hardly ever has sunny days and is chilly to cold most of the year, but no one is questioning this? Idiots.

When did Bella and Alice become besties? I don’t necessarily have a problem with it, but it’s yet another example of the screenplays inability to flesh out a story.

I’m not big on Jacob when he’s all wolfed out, but if that’s what it took get rid of that hair, it’s an even trade. (I know this makes me sound like an old lady that runs around chasing long-haired men with a broom calling them hippies, but I normally love me some long, flowing locks. It doesn’t work for Taylor Lautner.)

When was the last time you got a paper cut that produced enough blood for it to run down your finger and drop on the floor? I’m just saying…

Hey, another Thome Yorke song! I had no idea he was so predominate in the saga’s soundtrack.

I was wondering if the vampires inability to read Bella’s thoughts was going to take a True Blood twist and she would be some sort of mythological being, but at this point I’m convinced that it’s because she’s a robot. Think about it. It would explain SO much.

Hottie Alert (for the dudes): Ashley Greene

The Verdict: I’d been told that New Moon is the best movie in the Twilight Saga, and I can see why. It was better than Twilight in almost every way possible… Not to say I loved it, but it was decent. I liked it more than I thought I would like any part of this series. They addressed a lot of the problems I had with Twilight. For instance, Chris Weitz is a welcome replacement of Catherine Harkwicke. Weitz created a style; Hardwicke turned down saturation levels. Also, no unnecessary background music – Yay! And, most importantly, no laughably bad dialogue. (Bad dialogue, oh yeah. Heaps of it! Laughably bad, not really.)
The one thing they couldn’t fix (other that Stewart’s atrocious acting) was the fact that I’m still not buying the love story of Bella and Edward. I tried, I really did, but it’s just stupid. I was much more interested in the story of Bella and Jacob than I ever will be of its counterpart, so I guess you can now officially mark me on Team Jacob. Still, learning more about the history of these covens and wondering how the war will play out is making movies that could be a chore to watch bearable.
Halfway through the saga I’m beginning to see the appeal it has to teenage girls, but am still baffled as to why some adults enjoy it so much. New Moon earns an improved 5/10.

Coming up next: Eclipse

Twilight

Posted: November 13, 2011 in Movie Reviews, New Moon, Rachael Jamison, Reviews, Twilight
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The Twilight Project

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire.

The Best Thing About It: Well, I can’t say I wasn’t entertained. Unfortunately, it was mostly for all the wrong reasons. There were a few minor redeeming qualities though.
First, I like the idea of vampires playing baseball. Sure, I had no idea why they were doing it or what sense it made in the context of the story, but I like the idea of it in a comedic sense. Sadly, it wasn’t used that way. Talk about a missed opportunity. Other things I’d love to see vampires do: play video games, go to an amusement park and attend a Michael McDonald concert.
Second, the fight between Edward and James was less sissy than I imagined it would be. Matter of fact, it was actually pretty good. Easily my favorite part of the movie. I’m far more interested in the war between the Cullens and the other covens than anything involving Bella, the robot girl.
Third, Rob Pattinson “Let Me Sign” and Radiohead “15 Step” are both great songs.

What Could’ve Made It Better: What a loaded question! I could bring up several things that irked me in the first installment of this series, but I’ll focus on what I see as the biggest problem, mostly because it’s what the entire series is based on – the relationship of Edward and Bella. How exactly did we go from “He thinks I’m stinky. I hate him!” to “He’s a dreamy vampire. I love him!”? There was so little development that as someone with low expectations, even I was disappointed. Perhaps it’s addressed better in the books and that’s why so many viewers are enthralled with the love story, but it doesn’t translate in the movie. At best their love is based on the Florence Nightingale effect which is caused by fleeting emotion. (Back to the Future FTW!) I’m sure you Twi-hards see Bella and Edward as the Romeo and Juilet of our time, but due to poor writing, I see two teenagers (okay, so Edward is a really old 17-year-old) acting like typical teenagers, unable to differentiate love from hormonal changes. However, given that Edward is a vampire, their affection will most likely end up getting their loved ones killed. Plus, Edward could do better. I kind of hate Bella, but in the sake of fairness, we’ll chalk some of that up to Kristin Stewart’s inability to act.

Random Thoughts: I’ve admitted that I haven’t read the books, but for the love of God, I hope the dialogue in them is better than it is in the movie. The quote I listed at the beginning of this post had me laughing for a few minutes. I literally had to pause the movie because I couldn’t focus on what happened after that until I made it through my laughing fit.

Was there any scene in this movie without background music? Music is meant to set the mood of the scene, but when overused it just becomes obnoxious and distracting. AmIright?

Catherine Hardwicke, your shots are not artistic. Please stop trying to be cooler than you are. The shot that stands out most to me is when Edward and Bella are in the forest and Bella is telling Edward that she knows what he is. There are so many unnecessary long shots of the trees that it’s laughable. Not to mention that most of the movie is overhead after overhead. And don’t even get me started on the desaturation! Cinematography fail.

Okay, so Bella moves and goes to a new school and immediately the paper wants to write an article about her? My school was too small to have a paper, but I have a hard time believe that it’s protocol to write an article about every new student.  Was it because her step dad is a baseball player? I could see that if anyone at the school ever mentioned it, but it’s never addressed leaving me to believe that the students don’t even know about her step dad. She’s just a random transfer student.. who apparently has never seen rain because she’s from Arizona. (Psst.. It rains in Arizona. Just an FYI.)

Also, Bella mentions to Jacob that she wishes he went to her school so that she’d have a friend, but 30 seconds after arriving she immediately befriends 20 kids. It appears that it was Stephanie Meyers intent to paint her as an outsider, and yet she is quickly accepted in this high school society. Doesn’t make much sense.

“Hey guys, I met this girl named Bella. She’s a human to whom I’ve told all our family secrets. (Of course, it only took her two conversations and a Google search to figure out I was a vampire anyway.) She’s given me no real reason to trust her and could easily get us exposed and killed, but I thought I’d invite her over so we can all be besties. Also, she smells good.”
“That’s cool. We’ll make her dinner.”
Dumbest. Vampires. Ever.

Hottie Alert: Kellan Lutz

The Verdict: Let’s not fool ourselves. These movies weren’t made to be masterpieces, they were made as film counterparts for teen romance novels. Because of that fact, I’ll cut them some slack. They are what they are. As difficult as it is for me to try to slide back into that mentality, I’ll will make a consorted effort to watch the rest of the films through the eyes of a sexually confused 14-year-old girl.
I don’t say this with any intended disrespect toward adults who enjoy the movies, but why? It’s a serious question. Why do you like Twilight? To me so far it’s pretty pitiful from every aspect – disconnected, incoherent story telling, terrible acting and cinematography that looks like it was directed by a fashion school dropout with something to prove. Maybe if I could see what you see in them, I’ll enjoy the other films more than the first. However, the fate of the first installment is sealed. 3/10

Coming up next: New Moon

The Twilight Project: A Twilight Virgin Watches 4 Twilight Movies in 5 Days

Posted: November 12, 2011 in Breaking Dawn, Eclipse, Movie Reviews, Movies, New Moon, Rachael Jamison, Twilight
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Our returning readers will probably remember that Brandon kicked off this blog with the Harry Potter Project in which he watched all eight Harry Potter movies in a five day span, then wrote reviews on each of them – an impressive feat. Until now I’ve been behind the scenes here at Grab Bag, so I thought what better to introduce myself than breaking down another wildly popular series – Twilight. Sure, I only have four movies to watch compared to his eight, but he was watching Harry Potter… I’m watching Twilight. I’ll leave it up to you to decide which project is more challenging.

The history: I’m a complete Twilight virgin. I’ve never opened one of the books or even paid full attention to any of the movie trailers. The only time I don’t zone out in situations concerning Twilight is when I hear people commenting on how absolutely terrible it is or how creepy it is that middle-aged women are lusting after teen actors. Oh, then there are the times I flip past late night talk shows interviewing Kristin Stewart and I literally spend the entire time debating if she is, in fact, a robot. But I digress.. that’s a different debate for another time.

Why didn’t I ever watch the movies in the first place? They look awful. I mean, through and through bad from the premise to the writing to the acting. Horrendous. Now, I am a self-admitted “movie elitist,” so don’t get too offended right off the bat, Twi-hards. As another side effect of my elitism – I’m generally put off by popular films. (Avatar, blah!) Clearly the Twilight series is quite popular so my natural inclination is to believe it’s over-hyped, but considering I’ve never seen any of them, I’m making unfair assumptions.

So why watch them now? The main reason is that nothing grinds my gears like people who call brilliant movies boring without even watching them first. Essentially, this is what I’ve been doing for the last three years with the Twilight series. Not that I’m calling the series brilliant, but in all fairness, if they are I wouldn’t know. It’s time for me to own up and give Edward, Bella and Jacob a chance. Time to finally make an educated decision if I’m on Team Edward or Team Jacob instead of defaulting to Jacob because he’s better looking. Time to see if I too will run out and buy body glitter and a replica Bella wedding ring.
Secondly, one of my new favorite theaters is giving out discounted refillable popcorn buckets and drink cups if you attend the midnight showing of Breaking Dawn. I’m a sucker for a good deal.

The project: From Sunday November 13th to Thursday at midnight, I will watch all 4 Twilight movies and review the movies I watched the previous night on this blog every day. I promise to write them from a completely neutral point of view. As much as may be inclined to let the elitist in me run wild, you have my word that I will give you my respectful, unbiased, honest opinion – good or bad – even if my confessions ruin my movie credibility. Between my 5 jobs and the fact that I’ve got a work days worth of Twilight watching to do, it’s going to be a jam packed week. Let’s do this! Sparkle, sparkle!

Twilight
New Moon
Eclipse
Breaking Dawn: Part 1

Top 20 Movie Franchises of All-Time: #5 – 1

Posted: August 15, 2011 in Brandon Rahbar, Lists, Movie Reviews, Movies, Reviews
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5. Rocky

Rocky (1976) – 10/10
Rocky II (2002) – 9/10
Rocky III (2004) – 8.5/10
Rocky IV (2005) – 8/10
Rocky V (2007) – 7/10
Rocky Balboa (2009) – 8/10

Why I love them so much: Did they get cheesier and hammier and whatever other breakfast foodier as the series went along? Of course they did, but who cares? Rocky is the ultimate underdog story, and the character himself is pretty incredible if you stop to analyze him. The Italian Stallion is a rough and tough boxer from the streets of Philly, but he’s ultimately a romantic at heart. He’s a bit of a dummy, but he’s such a sweet spirit that you don’t even care. He becomes a millionaire, but he never forgets his roots and where he came from. He’s a big goofball who tells corny jokes, but he gets dead serious and will bash your face in if you mess with his loved ones. He’s a family man, a fiercely loyal friend, and a patriotic American. And he’s got the Eye of the Tiger.

Favorite moment of the series: When Rocky clobbers Apollo Creed. No, when Rocky shows no pity to the fool Mr. T. Nahhhh. When Rocky hulks out on Hulk Hogan. Hmmm. Maybe when Rocky KO-GB’s Ivan Drago and the entire metaphorical Soviet Union. Or when Rocky takes it to the streets to whip up on former real life Great White Hope, Tommy Morrison. Okay, enough with the shenanigans, blog boy, give us the good stuff! In a collection full of epic boxing brawls, the best moment comes from the least likely source: a frail wife, sick in bed. When Adrian tells Rocky she just wants him to do one thing, and that is to, “Win Rocky… win!”, Rocky, Mickey, and every single one of us felt like we could take on the entire world.

Hottie Alert: pre-crazy Brigitte Nielsen

My geeky confession: To this day, if I see a big, long flight of concrete stairs leading up to a building, I sprint up them while simultaneously punching my fists in the air, and once at the top, I bounce around with my arms raised in victory over my head while singing, or more accurately doo-doo-doo’ing, “Gonna Fly Now”.

Twitter status update: Yo, @DanaWhite, I wanna shot at da UFC belt. Saturdayz ain’t good 4 me cuz it’s Bingo nite at the nursery home. Holla back later, I gotta take a nap.

4. Nightmare on Elm Street

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) – 10/10
A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985) – 7/10
A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987) – 9/10
A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988) – 7/10
A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989) – 7/10
Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991)- 7/10
Wes Craven’s New Nightmare (1994) – 8.5/10
Freddy vs. Jason (2003) – 9/10 (Yes, I’m serious.)

Why I love them so much: Freddy Krueger has done some horrifying things to small children over the course of his lifetime, but he did have a positive impact on at least one little boy. It’s fairly obvious to those paying attention to this list that I’m a horror movie nut, and I have Freddy to thank for planting that seed. Just remind me to never try to thank him in person.

Favorite moment of the series: As tempted as I am to drop an awesome Freddy one-liner from one of the sequels where Freddy became some sort of a cheesy Dave Chappelle meets Norman Bates comic/serial killer morphing so that I can get a cheap laugh, I’ll stick with the original. Ya know, the scary one. The Tina in a bodybag, whispering for Nancy, proceeding to be dragged down the hallway by no one in particular, leaving a bloody trail behind scene is one of the all-time creepiest of my movie watching history. Okay, cheap laugh time: “Welcome to prime time, b****!”

Hottie Alert (for the ladies): Johnny Depp

My geeky confession: I’ve been a Freddy fan since I was nine years old. NINE! The original Freddy flick hit theaters in 1984, but the Mini-Me version of myself caught it on VHS the following year (true story, younggins—it used to take a full year for movies to be released to home video). I was horrified, but I also couldn’t get enough. How I didn’t grow up to be some sick, twisted serial killer is some sort of slight miracle. Heck, I can’t even watch those real life surgery shows cause my sissy tummy can’t hack the real stuff. I’ve been watching a child murderer slice teenagers up with finger knives for 25 years, but I get faint at the sight of a needle taking blood. Go figure.

Twitter status update: 1, 2 Freddy I love u. 3, 4 there’s lots of gore. 5, 6 I like ur taste in chicks. 7, 8 killing Jack Sparrow was great. 9, 10 don’t do a remake again.

3. Back To The Future

Back To The Future (1985) – 10/10
Back To The Future II (1989) – 9.5/10
Back To The Future III (1990) – 8/10

Why I love them so much: Action? Check. Adventure? Check. Comedy? Check. Romance? Check. Fantasy? Check. Sci-Fi? Check. Drama? Check. Rad soundtrack featuring Huey Lewis and the News? Check. Alex P. Keaton? Check. Young, super hot Elisabeth Shue? Check.

Favorite moment of the series: The very first time Marty McFly arrives in 1955. For a generation of film fanatics, this was also the very first time that we too were blown away by the possibility of what time travel could mean. Sure, other movies did it before, but not to the level and scope of Doc Brown. In the quarter of a century since McFly ventured back in time, we’ve been oversaturated with time travel stories. From Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure to Field of Dreams to Timecop to Lost, we now know all the rules and risks of time travel. But this moment was our first lesson.

Hottie Alert: Elisabeth Shue

My geeky confession: In the 80’s, I had such a big mancrush on Michael J. Fox that I vividly remember going to Fantastic Sam’s when I was 10 years old and asking the hairstylist to cut my hair like Marty McFly’s. I’m still convinced that I’ve never looked sexier before or since.

Twitter status update: Hey 2011 peeps, I’m tweeting from 2055 via a microchip in my brain! Guess what.. STILL NO HOVERBOARDS! But Cowboys win next 40 Super Bowls!

2. Spider-Man

Spider-Man (2002) – 10/10
Spider-Man 2 (2004) – 10/10
Spider-Man 3 (2007) – 8/10

Why I love them so much: Spider-Man was, is, and always will be my hero. Growing up on the cartoons, the comics, and even the cheesy live action television series, I’d waited 20 long years to see a big screen version of my favorite costumed crusader. And Sam Raimi did not disappoint. Without question, the first Spidey was my most anticipated movie experience of all-time… and probably my favorite.

Favorite moment of the series: The train scene in Spider-Man II. In the space of about 5 minutes, we see what separates Spider-Man from the other superhero icons. He uses his superhuman strength to stop a train (something Batman could never do), but it is physically torturous on his body (something Superman would never understand). As his body goes limp, the crowd of survivors see that this amazing superhero is… just a boy. And yet, he was willing to lay his life down to save them and was unafraid to sacrifice his identity being revealed if it meant helping others. Arguably the greatest action sequence AND the greatest dramatic sequence of the entire series all rolled up into one.

Hottie Alert: Elizabeth Banks

My geeky confession: Go through my mom’s old photo albums and you’ll find the answer. Almost every picture of me from ages 2-5, I am either shirtless and wearing Spidey underoos or I am pantless and wearing a Spidey shirt. Good thing she doesn’t have any pictures of me ages 25-34 in those albums, cause they’d be exactly the same.

Twitter status update: Memo 2 @MarcWebb, @AndrewGarfield, & writers of my new franchise reboot: I am FUNNY AND WITTY. And I am NOT a crybaby! #DontPullaRaimi

And before I reveal my #1 Favorite Film Franchise of All-Time, a quick break from our regularly scheduled programming to bring you the following messages…

My Oh-So-Close Honorable Mentions: The Evil Dead, The Dollars Trilogy, Batman, The Universal Monsters Collection.

  • Yes, I did leave out Indiana Jones. I like them just fine, but have never fully loved them. Between you, me, and all the Indy fans who happened upon this blog via Google search, I just don’t care for Harrison Ford. Feel free to send hate mail to brandon@grabbagok.com or just leave nasty messages in the comments section.
  • Yes, I did leave out the slightly overrated Bourne Trilogy. Is his name Jason Bourne? Will he finally discover who he is? Why are all of these movies the exact same? I don’t care if I never get the answers to any of those questions.
  • Yes, I did leave out the absurdly overrated Pirates of the Caribbean. Or as I like to refer to them, much to my readers’ apparent confusion, My Bits of the Hair Lovey Bun.

And now, back to our reguarly scheduled program…

1. The Godfather Trilogy

The Godfather (1972) – 10/10
The Godfather II (1974) – 10/10
The Godfather III (1990) – 9.5/10

Why I love them so much: Simply put, these are the greatest films of all time. Yes, even Part III.

Favorite moment of the series: Insert the obligatory “it’s like asking a mother who her favorite child is” statement here. Really, though, there are so many iconic scenes and so many quotable lines, you’d think this was a 10 part series. I thought about saying “My favorite moment starts with the opening ‘I believe in America’ monologue and ends with a lonely, sorrowful Michael Corleone quietly passing away in his death chair”, but I decided to man up and pick ONE moment. For me, it’s Michael’s Vegas standoff with Moe Green. One of the greatest transformations in film history comes full circle, as the sweet, innocent war hero has been completely stripped away and for the first time, we see the cold, calculated mob boss. Pacino can say more with a slight look of his eyes than most actors will express in their entire filmography, and when he confronts Moe about slapping his brother Fredo around, I realized that Michael Corleone was the single most badass character in all of film and that Al Pacino the single most badass actor I’d ever seen.

Hottie Alert (for the ladies): Al Pacino

My geeky confession: Too many to count. I could list all the different ways I plan on using The Godfather theme in my life (it will be my wedding song, my funeral song and my intro music when I become a professional wrestler). I could tell you how watching The Godfather made me want to become an actor (hey, don’t knock it, my performance as “Soldier #1” in Deer Creek High School’s 1994 production of “Wizard of Oz” earned rave reviews… from my mom). I could confess that I’ve told my girlfriend that I will not propose to her until she watches all three Godfather films (she’s only 1/3 of the way there). I could tell you how I have a fantasy football team named The Godfathers, how my avatar on any message board is Michael Corleone, or how my friend and I actually made spaghetti using Clemenza’s spoken recipe and feasted while having our annual Godfather marathon. I only wish that I would’ve been a Godfather fan when Part III came out so I could’ve shown up to the midnight showing dressed like Luca Brasi.

Twitter status update: We were just named the #1 Film Franchise of All Time by @grabbagok! Better than all our Oscars, AFI lists, and IMDB rankings combined! Gratsi!

Coming up: Top 10 Movies That Shouldn’t Have Made Me Cry… But Did

Top 20 Movie Franchises of All-Time: #10 – 6

Posted: August 1, 2011 in Brandon Rahbar, Harry Potter, Lists, Movie Reviews, Movies, Reviews
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10. Harry Potter

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001) – 7.5/10
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002) – 7/10
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004) – 8.5/10
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005) – 8.5/10
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007) – 8/10
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009) – 8.5/10
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010) – 8/10
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (2011) – 9/10

Why I love them so much: “Love them” may be strong words this early on in our relationship, but I have to admit, I am astonished this series made it into my Top 10. As you can probably tell by now, nostalgia rates big-time for me, so it’s hard for newer films to make this list, much less rank this high. Is the prestigious standing a result of the leftover hypnosis of being in complete Potterworld for a week straight? Possibly. But as I was nitpicking my rankings of this list, I kept coming back to this point: there wasn’t a single bad movie in the entire collection. The first two don’t set the world on fire, but they are solid films. And unlike most franchises, the sequels actually got better and better instead of worse and worse. And because I did something I’ve never done with another franchise before, I have a bit of a bloggy bond with the boy wizard now.

Favorite moment of the series: The final hour of Prisoner of Azkaban. That’s when I realized that these films could actually be pretty darn good. Up until that point, I thought they were mildy enjoyable kiddie fare, more sophisticated than anticipated but also slow moving and meandering. Then Sirius Black reveals his true colors, professors turn into werewolves, Dementors do some serious life sucking on our hero, Hermione pulls a Doc Brown, and in mini-mystery fashion, Harry finally does something badass and saves his past self. If they would have just thrown in a gratuitous Dumbledore/McGonagall make out scene, that last hour would’ve been jam packed with everything you’d ever want to see in a Harry Potter movie.

Hottie Alert: Afshan Azad

My geeky confession: I’ve done a full 180 and gone from Harry hater to Potter proponent. Too many times to count, I was the guy who was bashing Harry Potter without even ever giving them a try. And in the week or two since I watched the movies back to back, I’ve run into a handful of people who dogged on the series upon hearing of my project. And instead of chiming in like I would have two weeks ago, I find myself coming to the support of Harry. Again, I need to reiterate, despite the high ranking, I’m not yet a full fledged fan.  My feeling that there were many meandering problems and lingering questions with the movies (that are apparently cleared up in the books) is still alive and strong. But there is no denying that I respect and admire the ambition, artistry and scope of the body of work.

Twitter status update: Whoa, big shoutout 2 @ProfessorSnape! Just saw him on MTV singing some song called “The Perfect Drug”! My Potions prof used 2 be a rock god!

9. Superman 

Superman (1978) – 9/10
Superman II (1980) – 9.5/10
Superman III (1983) – 6.5/10
Superman IV (1987) – 3/10
Superman Returns (2006) – 7/10

Why I love them so much: When I was growing up, the Superman movies were THE superhero movies. There were no Spider-Man flicks, no Batman films, no X-Men feature presentations. And there certainly weren’t any Iron Mans, Thors, Incredible Hulks, Fantastic Fours, Captain Americas, or Green Lanterns. And thank God, there weren’t any Daredevils, Ghost Riders, or Catwomans (although, 11 year old me couldn’t have cared less about a horrid script if it meant Halle Berry dressed in leather tights… I miss that guy). With apologies to the Toxic Avenger and (the very cool) Swamp Thing, for a child of the 80’s, the only true way to get your superhero fix via motion pictures was courtesy of the Man of Steel. And thanks to HBO’s Top 40 Radio-like rotation, anytime I needed a hit, I got my fix. So I fell in love with the original Christopher Reeve series. I don’t even care that the last two in the older collection were considered stinkers, once that epic theme song came on, I wanted to leap a giant building in a single bound.

Favorite moment of the series: Forget Lex Luthor, forget Zod, and for the love of all that’s holy, forget Nuclear Man. My favorite Superman villain on celluloid is Rocky, the bullying truck driver with an affection for roadside diners. Early on in Superman II, Clark has (stupidly) given up his powers for the love of a woman. Just wanting to enjoy some cheap scrambled eggs and pancakes with Lois, dorky Clark gets wailed on by flannel-loving Rocky. Fast forward to the end of the movie, and Supes has come to his senses and realizes that being Superman is awesome. Clark comes looking for revenge. He walks in proceeds to throw down some awesomely cheesy smack talk and annihilates Rocky, otherwise known as Huey Lewis on steroids, via the fastest spinning barstool in recorded fictional history. Astonished by the geek’s domination, the diner crowd sits stunned, to which Clark replies, “I’ve been working out.” Awe. Some.

Hottie Alert (for the ladies): Christopher Reeve

My geeky confession: Because of Superman and The Last Dragon (totally rad 80’s kung fu movie reference alert!), I used to think that catching bullets with your teeth was the most baddest thing ever. I kid you not, when I’d be playing Cowboys and Indians or Cops and Robbers with my friends, when they shot me, I wouldn’t play dead like the other kids. When they’d say, in their little whiny voices, “I shot you!! You’re dead!!”, I’d reply, “I caught the bullet with my teeth!!”. I’d even actually make the physical motion of opening my teeth and clinching down on the incoming make believe bullets. Thanks, Superman, for making me the biggest Cops and Robbers cheater in 2nd grade recess.

Twitter status update: For all the idiot fanboys asking, yes, I would beat @TheBatman in a fight. It’s like asking who would win, Hercules or Inspector Gadget?

8. Toy Story

Toy Story (1995) – 9.5/10
Toy Story 2 (1999) – 9/10
Toy Story 3 (2010) – 9.5/10

Why I love them so much: Because I’m a human being with a functioning brain, funnybone, and heart. Seriously, if I have to explain to you why I love the Toy Story movies, you’re not the kind of person that I want hanging around my blog. I’m not even sure you’re a person, period.

Favorite moment of the series: When the credits rolled after the very first Toy Story film, which also happened to be the very first Pixar film. Why? Because it made me look like a prophetic genius. As soon as the cast and crew’s names appeared on the screen, I turned to my friend and said, “Animated movies will never be the same again.” Like I said… a genius.

Hottie Alert: Barbie (Toy Story 3)

My geeky confession: The Toy Story series turned me into a blubbering mess. Okay, saying you cried at the end of Toy Story 3 is like saying you woke up this morning and the sky was blue, the grass was green and Kristen Stewart is a wooden actress. All those things are just givens. But who has two thumbs and cried during a song about Woody’s girlfriend in Toy Story 2? This guy. (Cheap promotion time: the next list coming up after the Top 20 Franchises? The “Top 10 Movies That Shouldn’t Have Made Me Cry… But Did”).

Twitter status update: Our new owner just bought a singing Justin Bieber doll! WTF? Most. Annoying. Toy. Ever. #MissingAndy

7. Star Wars

Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope (1977) – 9/10
Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980) – 9.5/10
Star Wars: Episode IV – Return of the Jedi (1983) – 9/10
Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (1999) – 8/10
Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones (2002) – 5.5/10
Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith (2005) – 8.5/10

Why I love them so much: I’m not a sci-fi guy or a fantasy freak. However, I am a movie historian. And there’s no denying that these films changed the entire landscape of moviemaking. But even if I didn’t account for my respect of its influence factor, the story of the galaxy far, far away would still occupy this spot. It’s the one sci-fi series that transcends all the geeky stereotypes and mystifies me with amazing storytelling, wonderful characters (and then there was Jar Jar), pioneering special effects, an always fun and inspired score, breathtaking action sequences, and a vivid mythology.

Favorite moment of the series: Alright, you’ve gotta admit that I’ve done a pretty good job of listing unexpected and underrated moments in this section of my list so far. So allow me one predictable, completely expected indulgence. I’m talking “Luke, I am your father” epic-ness here. Forget for a second how it’s totally played out and remember why it’s one of the all-time moments in movie history. This was before the day and age where anybody with a computer and an internet connection could read leaked spoilers on some random fan blog or find entire scripts on some message board. Five tiny words. One huge, worldwide nerd meltdown.

Hottie Alert: Natalie Portman

My geeky confession: The following was lifted straight from my Xanga page, circa Revenge of the Sith…

Yes, that is me dressed as Darth Vader and my friend Larry as Chewbacca. And yes, those are paper plates on our faces… and a garbage sack on my back. Notice my light saber in the picture. It is broken because Larry and I let a couple of little girls that were sitting next to us borrow our sabers, and they had a battle that would make Obi Wan proud. Needless to say, though, the girl that borrowed mine lost, and my light saber was broken in half. Of course, my light saber was made of toilet paper rolls taped together and covered in construction paper, so the poor girl never had a chance. Hopefully, the movie theater people have cleaned up her dead body from the theater floor by now. It’s really distracting trying to watch a movie with a dead 10 year old just a few feet away from you. Oh come on– I’m just kidding of course!! It wasn’t that distracting.

Twitter status update: Tweeting I am. Bad actor Hayden is. Trillions of dollars Lucas has. Flunked 4th Grade English I did.

6. Godzilla

The entire Godzilla collection (1954-2004) – 8/10
*Excluding the horrid 1998 American remake. That film will go into my future “Biggest Movie Disappointments of All-Time” list.

Why I love them so much: A giant dinosaurish monster with spikes on his back who breathed fire and was played by an Asian man in a rubber suit. A five year old kid. You do the math.

Favorite moment of the series: I’m really tempted to list Godzilla training Baby Godzilla. (Seriously, shouldn’t I get a Blogger Gold Star for posting a PSA of a ferocious man-stomping monster training his adorable toddler monster to shoot fire out of his mouth, with the tyke only managing to blow out little smoke puff rings?) But alas, my favorite part of the Godzilla movies was always the thrill of watching a humongous monster fight another humongous monster. So imagine my delight when Godzilla faced off against… a robot Godzilla! Mechagodzilla, I salute thee.

Hottie Alert: Maki Mizuno

My geeky confession: I one time spent an entire hour arguing back and forth with a fellow monster movie fan on an online forum about the results and merits of King Kong vs. Godzilla. To this day, I am beyond angry that King Kong supposedly “won” the legendary battle of super-sized movie monsters. Ask anyone with any sort of knowledge of the two titans which one would truly win a cage match battle to do the death, and the consensus would undoubtedly be Godzilla. But in the most commercially successful film in the entire Godzilla collection, the moviemakers cheated for the oversized ape and gave him lightning power, or some stupid crap like that. The Tokyo Smasher and the Girl-Crazy Gorilla both fall into the ocean at the movie’s conclusion, and after a few suspenseful seconds, only Kong is seen swimming off. The American primate is proclaimed the winner, the Japanese reptile is thought to be the loser, and the half-Persian little boy is furious for the rest of his life.

Twitter status update: What up to my bros @King Ghidorah, @Megalon, and @Gigan. Fellas, let’s rent Land Before Time and peep it at @Mothra’s crib.

Coming up: Top 20 Movie Franchises of All-Time: #5 – 1

Top 20 Movie Franchises of All-Time: #15 – 11

Posted: July 24, 2011 in Brandon Rahbar, Lists, Movie Reviews, Movies, Reviews
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15. The Christopher Guest Mockumentaries

Waiting For Guffman (1996) – 9.5/10
Best In Show (2000) – 7.5/10
A Mighty Wind (2003) – 8.5/10
For Your Consideration (2006) – 7/10

Why I love them so much: Besides the fact that they are drop deadpan hilarious and are unlike any other movie series in the known universe? The thing that makes them so funny to me is how close to reality they really hit. I know people like these people. They are larger than life personalities who are somehow real life personalities. The vast majority of every movie is improvised, which is a credit to the uniquely, wonderfully gifted troupe that Guest has collected.

Favorite moment of the series: In Waiting For Guffman, Corky St. Clair is the writer/director/star of the greatest community theater musical in the history of the world. Understandably, he needs a bigger budget to keep up with his ingenious creativity and imagination. So he goes to the board of directors, they turn him down, and he becomes unCorked. At which point he says, “And I’ll tell you why I can’t put up with you people: because you’re BASTARD people! That’s what you are! You’re just bastard people!” I can’t even fathom a guess at how many times I’ve called someone “bastard people” since. Thank you, Christopher Guest, for expanding my curse word vocabulary.

Hottie Alert: Parker Posey

My geeky confession: In a life reflecting art, reflecting life true story, I’ve found myself realizing that I am a character from a Christopher Guest film. I actually did some dinner theatre acting a couple years ago, and I started getting some comment card kudos about how I was so funny and talented. So I started thinking, man, the audiences really love me, maybe I should try out for some bigger shows, maybe even some paid shows, and if I do well there, who knows, maybe this will turn into something I can do for a living… big city, here I come! Yeah, I haven’t acted in another show since.

Twitter status update: HUGE folk show at Route 66 Lanes 2nite! Expecting sellout crowd of 27 people, so be early. Free shoe rental if u say Mitch & Mickey sent u!

14. The Lord of the Rings

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) – 9/10
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002) – 7.5/10
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003) – 8.5/10

Why I love them so much: Honestly… I don’t. While there are instances when I find these films fun and exciting, I think them to be mostly tedious. I do appreciate the trilogy as a work of art, as masterful storytelling and as a complex and detailed mythology. Tolkien, with an assist from Peter Jackson, has created an incredibly dynamic world all its own. The imagination and the intricacies that fuel this series are bountiful, and I respect the work, even if I don’t consider myself a big fan.

Favorite moment of the series: Anytime Gollum pops his little Steve Buscemi-looking head up. Just as I’m about to nod off from the endless walking or the talking of rings, rings, and more rings, the miniature snooze savior jumps out at me with a bit of heartbreaking or devilishly frightening monologue. The CGI’d half-adorable, half-reprehensible freak of nature is instant ready entertainment in a movie filled with slow roasting characters and plotlines.

Hottie Alert (for the ladies): Orlando Bloom

My geeky confession: I’ve only rewatched the iconic trilogy on a couple of very specific occasions. When I discovered that Bret from Flight of the Conchords played “Elf at Council of Elrond”, I just had to bust out my copy of Fellowship of the Ring. The other time, I was IMDB’ing John Noble from Fringe and realized he was Denethor, so of course I had to dust off my The Return of the King and check crazy ol’ Dr. Walter Bishop out. It’s left up to your interpretation of “rewatching” as to whether or not fast forwarding through entire movies to watch 30 second clips so that I can see ½ of my favorite folk novelty band and my favorite TV mad scientist counts.

Twitter status update: Doing a little walking today.
Twitter status update an hour later: Still walking!
Twitter status update 30 minutes later: What a nice day for a walk!
Twitter status update 3 hours later: Okay, just got finished walking. I’m done. This is my ending tweet.
Twitter status update 20 minutes later: Psych! Okay, this is the last tweet, for real. 
Twitter status update 15 minutes later: I mean it this time, the tweeting is over.

13. Austin Powers

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997) – 9.5/10
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999) – 8.5/10
Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002) – 6/10

Why I love them so much: Cause they’re groovy, baby, yeah! Now you might be thinking, “That sort of thing ain’t my bag, baby”, but I think they’re shagadelic! As a matter of fact, they make me horny, baby. I know you’re probably like, “Oh, behave” right now, so I’ll throw you a frickin’ bone and stop this before you throw me in a pool infested with frickin’ sharks with frickin’ lasers attached to their frickin’ heads. I’ll zip it. Zip it good. I’m Zippy Longstockings. Yeah, baby, yeah.

Favorite moment of the series: In all honesty, don’t all the hilarious one liners and hysterical scenes just kind of start running together? How do I pick one favorite funny in a series full of funnies? So I’ll just go with the first one that comes to my head right… now! Okay, got it. Gonna go with Dr. Evil’s group therapy session. We learn not only why he became such a meanie, but we also discover that his father claimed to have invented the question mark and often accused chestnuts of being lazy.

Hottie Alert: Elizabeth Hurley (International Man of Mystery)

My geeky confession:  At a shopping mall in the middle of a long road trip, my bro in law and I both had the need to use the restroom. We walk into the presumably empty facilities, and we each head to our different stalls. After a minute or two of cross-toilet talking, I randomly started yelling, “Who does #2 work for?!” repeatedly, Austin Powers style, to which my bro in law and I started cracking up hysterically… as did the stranger a few stalls down.

Twitter status update: Help me get @MiniMe to ONE MILLION followers! No! Let’s make that… ONE HUNDRED BILLION followers!

12. Halloween

Halloween (1978) – 10/10
Halloween II (1981) – 9/10
Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) – 6/10
Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988) – 7/10
Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989) – 5.5/10
Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995) – 5/10
Halloween H20:20 Years Later (1998) – 7.5/10
Halloween: Resurrection (2002) – 7/10

Why I love them so much: Michael Myers is the scariest fictional serial killer of all time. That pale, emotionless mask that hides, according to Dr. Loomis himself, a “blank, pale, emotionless face.” The uneasy creepiness from a slight tilt of his head. The slow, predatory walk as he methodically zeroes in on a victim. And he does it all while the single most unsettling piano music of all time is playing in the background. I honestly believe that Michael Myers could be delivering flowers or saving small kittens stuck in trees, but if he did them set to that music, I’d still crap my pants.

Favorite moment of the series: For the vast majority of the beginning of Halloween, Laurie Strode notices a creeper stalking her all day. At one point, as she’s walking home from school with friends, she notices the man about 100 feet in front of her, half hidden by a hedge bush. Just a simple, terrifying image. I remember thinking when I first watched the film- this movie is doing something special… I’m absolutely horrified by this ghastly figure, and he’s just standing still in the middle of broad daylight.

Hottie Alert: Tyra Banks (Halloween: Resurrection)

My geeky confession: Although Halloween III was a complete departure from the Michael Myers storyline, it did give one gift to horror nuts- the Silver Shamrock song. Now every year as Halloween approaches, I will count down the days via song, “Four more days till Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, four more days till Halloween… Silver Shamrock!” And then, “Three more days till Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, three more days till Halloween… Silver Shamrock!” Yes, I become more increasingly annoying, just like the movie.

Twitter status update: My sis is ticking me off! Been chasing her around for 20 years, just tryin 2 return this butcher knife I borrowed! 

11. The Vengeance Trilogy

Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance (2002) – 8.5/10
Oldboy (2003) – 10/10
Sympathy for Lady Vengeance (2005) – 8/10

Why I love them so much: Nobody serves up revenge quite like the Koreans. This foreign trilogy is a gory, violent bloodfest with revenge as the central theme. The over the top violence is what grabs all the headlines, but it’s the twists and turns of the storylines that grab the head. For a set of films so drenched in blood, they are also surprisingly touching and poetic.

Favorite moment of the series: The twist to end all twists at the conclusion of Oldboy. Consider it the Korean cousin of the jaw dropper that was The Sixth Sense. Remember how American audiences were collectively gasping out loud when M. Night Shymalan’s finest moment was first unveiled? I imagine that’s exactly what transpired in Korean theaters when Chan-wook Park’s masterpiece peeled back its many layers, finally dropping a doozey on unsuspecting moviegoers.

Hottie Alert: Yeong-ae Lee (Lady Vengeance)

My geeky confession: On a strong recommendation from my friend the Tomatometer, I watched Oldboy… and then was horrified to realize that it was the second in a trilogy of movies! So after going back to watch Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance, my movie OCD forced me to rewatch Oldboy before viewing Lady Vengeance so that I would have watched them in order. To further prove the ridiculous levels of my anality, have I mentioned that even though they are very much a trilogy, the storylines of the films are not connected whatsoever, making my insistence on watching them chronologically completely unnecessary?

Twitter status update:  I just watch Saw. Movies is very funny! Jigsaw make me laugh, he such amateur.

Coming up: Top 20 Movie Franchises of All-Time: #10 – 6

Top 20 Movie Franchises of All-Time: #20 – 16

Posted: July 22, 2011 in Brandon Rahbar, Lists, Movie Reviews, Movies, Reviews
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After blazing through the entire Harry Potter series in 5 days, it got me thinking about my favorite movie franchises of all-time, and where the wizard would rank on my list, if at all. So it was a natural transition to blog about such matters. But first, the boring rules:

* These are my personal “favorites”, not necessarily the same as “best”.

* All franchises must have at least 3 entries.

* Remakes or reboots are generally considered separate entities from the original series.

* You do not talk about Fight Club.

20. X-Men

X-Men (2000) – 8/10
X-Men 2 (2003) – 8.5/10
X-Men: The Last Stand (2006) – 7.5/10
X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009) – 7/10
X-Men: First Class (2011) – 8.5/10

Why I love them so much: What’s better than one superhero movie? Try a dozen superhero movies in one. Whenever most superhero movies try to squeeze in more than one villain, they fail miserably (Batman burn!!), but the X-Men series has somehow been able to showcase multiple villains, heroes, storylines and origin stories, all while not having a stinker in the entire collection. Quantity and quality!

Favorite moment of the series: Nightcrawler’s dazzling debut in X2. His dizzying display of disappearing and reappearing, all the while wreaking havoc on a bunch of uniformed guards, introduced me to my new favorite character in the X-Men universe. A gentle soul, a man of faith, and the dude has some serious skills. Not to mention, I’m almost positive he’s the first cousin of my favorite blue man of all time, Old Gregg.

Hottie Alert: Halle Berry

My geeky confession: I used to despise the X-Men. Cursed them up and down. Called them overrated, called them trendy, called them Surely. The mutants’ sudden and explosive rise to elite iconic status alongside the Superhero Big 3 of Superman, Spider-Man and Batman drove me, well, batty. I didn’t feel like they had paid their dues or that they deserved their acclaim, and I got irritated with all the young hoodlums who sang their praises. Then I watched the movies and got suckered in to liking them. And I still kind of hate myself for it.

Twitter status update: Freaking out here! Angel wings just sprouted out from my back! Then some bald dude started talking to me in my brain! #Ineedhelp

19. Trilogy of the Dead

Night of the Living Dead (1968) – 9/10
Dawn of the Dead (1978) – 8/10
Day of the Dead (1985) – 7/10

Why I love them so much: Mad respect. If you are a horror fan at all, you owe a great debt of gratitude to George Romero and his zombie flicks. Their influence is as far reaching as splatter films to slasher films to Michael Jackson videos.

Favorite moment of the series: Night of the Living Dead opens with siblings Barbra and Johnny at the cemetery, visiting their father’s grave. Jerk brother Johnny teases his sister, “They’re coming to get you Barbra!” Cue the world’s first zombie attack… and cue the change of horror cinema.

Hottie Alert: Lori Cardille (Day of the Dead)

My geeky confession: Remember the zombie that gets a “haircut” by walking right into a helicopter blade in Dawn of the Dead? Surprising and gruesome, my brother and I probably rewound that scene about 20 times, laughing hysterically the whole time. I can’t be around a parked helicopter to this day without worrying about the top of my head getting chopped off.

Twitter status update: The dead r walkin the Earth! Hurry, shoot them n da head, b4 lots of crap filmmakers from the 2000’s see dem and r inspired to… ah, 2 late.

18. The Karate Kid

The Karate Kid (1984) – 9/10
The Karate Kid, Part II (1986) – 8/10
The Karate Kid, Part III (1989) – 6.5/10
The Next Karate Kid (1994) – I choose to ignore this one exists

Why I love them so much: Back when these movies came on HBO four times a day, I was a skinny four-eyed kid about as macho as a Justin Bieber video. So while I was never picked on like Daniel, I could still identify with the shrimpy dork who wants to bad to the bone. And who hasn’t dreamed of crane kicking the douchey popular kid in the face and running off with Elisabeth Shue?

Favorite moment of the series: The beginning of The Karate Kid, Part II picks up right where the first one left off, and ruthless Cobra Kai sensei John Kreese is none too happy with Team LaRusso. He tries to take down Mr. Miyagi. Idiot! Mr. Miyagi gets Kreese down to his knees and draws his Okinawan hand back for a death blow. Miyagi repeats Kreese’s words back to him, “Mercy is for the weak. We do not train to be merciful here. A man face you, he is enemy. Enemy deserve no mercy.” He then yells, throws the chop, stops an inch from Kreese’s terrified face, honks his nose and walks away… leaving a trail of hilarious badassery behind him. (As Kreese left a trail of brown in his underwear.)

Hottie Alert: Elisabeth Shue

My geeky confession: I’ve never caught a fly with a pair of chopsticks… but it’s not for a lack of trying. Little white kids growing up in small town Oklahoma don’t have a plethora of chopsticks readily available, so I MacGyvered myself some out of a couple #2 pencils and spent hours trying to catch houseflies after one of many Karate Kid viewings back in the day. No beginner luck for Brandonson.

Twitter status update: Wax on, wax off, wax on, wax off. This old man is drivin me crazy! All worth it tho, if I open up a can on some Cobra Kai.

17. Terminator

The Terminator (1984) – 9/10
Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991) – 9.5/10
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003) – 7/10
Terminator Salvation (2009) – 7/10

Why I love them so much: When I was a kid, it was just because Arnold looked so awesomely muscular and had so many way cool catchphrases. (Now that I’m older, though… “I’ll be back.” “Hasta la vista, baby.”… really?) As I became a teenager, it was the pioneering special effects that blew me away. My young adult years, I started to appreciate the time-bending storylines. And now, it’s really the behind the scenes outtakes of Christian Bale diplomatically discussing film procedures with crew members that puts me in the seats.

Favorite moment of the series: Is it cheating to say every single T-1000 liquid metal scene in T2? When I was 15 years old, I was completely convinced that those were the most amazing special effects, like, ever. I’m now 34 years old, and I’m still not sure they aren’t the most amazing special effects, like, ever.

Hottie Alert: Naked Arnold!

My geeky confession: Whenever I’m doing something that requires me to be “tough” (this happens about once every four score and seven years), I will break out into a Terminator chant of “Dun dun dun dundun! Dun dun dun dundun!” Okay, it sounds much tougher when it’s not in text form.

My geeky confession #2: I may have cried at the end of Terminator 2.

Twitter status update: I am looking for @JohnConnor.

16. Rambo

First Blood (1982) – 9/10
Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985) – 8/10
Rambo III (1988) – 7/10
Rambo (2008) – 7/10

Why I love them so much: If Chuck Norris and John Wayne had a son, and that son was trained in martial arts by Bruce Lee, and that son served in the war under George Patton, and that son learned gun skills from Doc Holliday and knife skills from Jason Voorhees, that son would grow up to be… beaten and killed by Rambo. 

Favorite moment of the series: The forested cat and mouse of First Blood is Rambo at his finest. The missions got bigger, the storylines more political, the muscles more veiny, the bodycounts higher, the character more caricatured, but for me, it comes down the basics. One man, hiding in the woods, knocking off his enemies one by one.

Hottie Alert: Julie Benz

My geeky confession: When I was 12 years old, I decided that I needed a weapon to defend myself just in case a bad guy ever tried to get me. Walking through Old Paris Flea Market, I finally found it. ‘Twas glorious. The perfect weapon… a knife just like Rambo’s. I bought it without a second thought and carried it with me everywhere I went for a good week, really believing the blade made me as unstoppable as my favorite Green Beret. This story only becomes funny when you realize what I looked like when I was 12 years old.

Twitter status update: Someone told me to put a shirt on today. Rambo don’t own shirts. Then I killed him with my bare hands and got home in time for Survivor. Lol.

Coming up: Top 20 Movie Franchises of All-Time: #15 – 11

The Harry Potter Project: The Wrap Up

Posted: July 20, 2011 in Brandon Rahbar, Harry Potter, Movie Reviews, Movies, Reviews
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
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Wow. That was an intense five days and nights for me. My evenings were complete and full immersion into the Harry Potter movies. My days were a constant battle between working three jobs and doing what I really wanted to do, write Harry Potter reviews. My late nights were where the daytime reviews were polished off, with no pesky real job to get in the way. And it all culminated in my finally turning in my Harry Potter V Card after an insanely fun midnight showing of the final Potter flick, surrounded by what seemed to be a neverending line of devoted Potheads. (I took pictures with some of my favorites from that night and have interspersed them into this wrap up for your viewing pleasure.) The project was difficult to complete, but like Dumbledore says, “Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it.” So I did ask for help, and what do you know… they wrote this entire wrap up for me! Let’s see what they said I had to say!

How would I rank the movies, best to worst?
1. Deathly Hallows: Part 2
2. Prisoner of Azkaban
3. Half-Blood Prince
4. Goblet of Fire
5. Deathly Hallows: Part 1
6. Order of the Phoenix
7. Sorcerer’s Stone
8. Chamber of Secrets

Will I read the books? By far and away, this is the question that I’ve been asked the most since beginning this project and posting my reviews. I had never planned on reading the books (what a time investment! there’s 7 of them and they all look the size of Charlie Sheen’s little black book), but the resounding chorus of demands are starting to change my opinion. Starting to. And apparently, every single question or issue I’ve had with the movies is cleared up in the books, so that’s a bit of motivation (and frustration). My answer is… possibly. Or instead, I’ll answer this question with another question. The response to The Harry Potter Project has been enormous… if I were to do the same thing with the books, would you all come back and read my ramblings again?

 I was only scared that they would both useless character me to death.

Am I now officially a Harry Potter fan? This is a toughie. If your definition of a fan is just that I dig the movies, then yes, I am a fan. In my eyes, to be a true fan, you have to have years, or at least months or weeks, of emotional investment in something. Some time has to go by to let those connections to the material build and strengthen. Just like when Oklahoma City got our Thunder basketball team. I followed and supported them from Day 1, but it took some time, and some ups and downs and some emotional connection to the players, before I became a true fan, before I lived and breathed Thunder basketball. I think it’s the same way with movies, books, musicians or television. I will say this, when one of the cast members of these movies goes on to star in other projects, I will be interested in seeing them. And when a Harry Potter movie comes on TV now, I won’t be rushing hurriedly to turn the station to anything but Lifetime anymore. I imagine I’m gonna want to give the books a crack (yes, I said it) or rewatch the films at some point. For the true fans, after watching the last movie, I imagine you felt a great sense of sadness. Like this magical journey you’d been on for the past decade was over… and now what? What are you going to do with your life?! I understand because that’s how I felt when Lost came to an end. My theater was filled with the sounds of sniffles in the last few minutes, a result of the realization that there was never going to be any more Harry, Hermione, Ron and everyone else you’ve come to love so much. But for me, after I watched the final movie, I was more like, “Cool fight scene! Sooo glad Snape is a good guy! Man, what a week! Okay, let’s go to IHOP.” But I will say this: I’ve found myself thinking about the characters and pondering storylines even when I wasn’t in front of the TV or at my computer. So it’s started. I’ll put it this way: I’m not quite there yet, but the seeds have been planted for me to become a real fan.

Do I get the hype now? Yes. I undoubtedly have a newfound respect and appreciation for Harry Potter and the fans. All these years, I thought everyone was going gaga over some kids’ books about a nerdy little wizard. Little did I know how detailed and complicated J.K.’s world was, or how this nerdy little wizard was surrounded by so many wonderful characters. Or how he’s so much more than just a nerdy little wizard. I still feel like Harry Potter falls short when it comes to the iconic status achieved by the likes of Star Wars, only because that franchise has been around for so long and has stood the test of time, picking up new fans over several decades. But Harry definitely deserves his place among the cinematic giants, and his followers who have grown up with him deserve their place among film’s most ferocious fans.

Top 10 Characters (With 3 Word Descriptions of Why I Loved Them)
1. Hagrid- Simply the best.
2. Snape- Cinema’s biggest mystery.
3. Bellatrix- Killing is fun!
4. Sirius Black- Rebel, father figure.
5. Harry Potter- You wonderful boy.
6. Albus Dumbledore- A bad motherwizard.
7. Lord Voldemort – Straight up scary.
8. Hermione Granger- Voice of reason.
9. Alastor “Mad-Eye” Moody- Grizzled, eccentric, tough.
10. Fred and George Weasley- Comic relief wiseguys.
** Honorable Mentions: Ron Weasley, Luna Lovegood

How does Harry Potter stack up against other movie franchises? Well, I don’t want to spoil too much, because I have been inspired to post a list of my Top 20 Favorite Movie Franchises of All Time, starting tomorrow. I will say there were two recent movie phenomenons that I used to always make fun of (without watching, shame on me): Harry Potter and Twilight. Well, I’ve now seen them both. One of them I will stop making fun of, one of them I most assuredly will not.

 Me to my friend: “Hey, come take a picture of me with these nerds!”

My thoughts on Harry Potter and religion? I’ve worked in Christian radio (and other facets of the media, music and publishing industry) for over a decade now, and I remember when Harry Potter mania first started sweeping the world, some Christians were getting upset because they thought the books/movies supported witchcraft. I had heard that the characters used real witch incantations, that J.K. Rowling was a Wiccan, and that Harry Potter spelled backwards is the devil. I know that most Christians have now embraced the series and realized “oops, my bad”, but I thought I should at least touch on the subject. Well, as far as I can tell, the “real witch incantations” are just one or two words of Latin, J.K. Rowling actually grew up in church, and our schools are not in fact being overrun by wannabe witches. To me, the Harry Potter series was a classic tale of good versus evil, and the themes are as varied as friendship, loyalty, faith, perseverance, courage, sacrifice, hope and love. Sounds like another popular book I know.

Can you think of any reason how you could tie in a reference to a cheesy 80’s movie that you loved when you were a kid for the single purpose of posting a hilariously awful video? Why, yes. Yes I can. With all of Harry’s skill and pedigree, and despite being The Chosen One, he still never was able to pull off a magical spell nearly as awesome and powerful as Teen Witch. (You seriously need to click on that link. Do it. You’ll thank me. My blog will still be here when you get back.) Okay, you watch it? Now tell me how amazing it would have been if Harry would have put that spell on Hermione to impress Ron. We wouldn’t have had to wait until the 8th movie to finally see a kiss, I can guarantee you that.

How do the Harry Potter fans stack up against Lord of the Rings fans, Star Wars fans, etc.? This is something I really started to think about because of how encouraging, excited and, most importantly, patient, all the Harry Potter fans I’ve come across the past week have been to me. I’ve made some big boo boo’s (I posted an incorrectly labeled picture of Evanna Lynch in place of Geraldine Somerville for my first Hottie Alert… Luna showed up four movies later) and have had a few critical things to say (you may have seen the words “too long”, “meandering” or “drawn out” once or twice), but every single comment I’ve received has been overwhelmingly positive, appreciative and helpful. You guys have answered every question I’ve had. Fans of other sci-fi and fantasy giants are much more vicious when it comes to their beloved mythology. Star Trek fans get really ticked whenever you pronounce it “Star Track”, I can tell you that from first-hand experience. Multiple first-hand experiences. Rude nerds. Lord of the Rings fans tend to have a hint of elitism to them, as if their precious source material (see what I did there? precious? eh, nevermind) is so complex and high brow that the common folk just don’t get it. Condescending nerds. Star Wars fans blur the lines of fiction and reality because they spend so much time living in a galaxy far, far away in their mind. Textbook nerds. In my experience, Harry Potter fans have been amazingly… normal. Nonnerdy nerds. (If you’re a nerd and reading this, do not get offended. I’m a nerd myself, so I’m allowed to say the “n” word. Kinda like black guys.)

 O…M…G!!!!!!!!

Top 10 Scenes
1. Dumbledore vs Lord Voldemort.
2. The big Snape reveal (he’s good!!).
3. The entire last hour of Prisoner of Azkaban.
4. The graveyard scene: Voldemort’s transformation, Harry and Voldemort’s first battle.
5. Harry and Hermione’s tender conversation about heartache.
6. Tale of the Three Brothers and The Deathly Hallows (even if it seems pointless now).
7. Every single time Bellatrix is on screen.
8. Umbridge’s kitten plate scene (hate her, but love her taste in wall decor).
9. Hagrid gets cheered by everyone at Hogwarts (and by this blogger).
10. Harry steps up as leader, teaches his fellow students.

What’s my biggest complaint with the movies? I felt like there were way too many unexplained questions. I didn’t even list half of my lingering questions in my reviews. Those were just the one’s that really stuck out to me. Like clockwork, any question I had was met with an answer from a fan in the comments followed by the words, “It explains it in the books. You really should read the books when you’re done.” In all seriousness, thank you all for answering so many of my questions. You’ve been a huge help in filling in the details left out by the movies (or by my just plain not getting it). So what are a few questions I still have that I never mentioned and therefore still don’t have answers to? Okay, just off the top of my head… How was Sirius framed for the murder of the Potters when it was common knowledge that Voldemort did it? Whatever happened between Snape and Lily? How do the wizards keep all of this a secret from the Muggles when it seems like the whole thing is so huge? Is this all taking place on a fictionalized version of Earth, kinda like Batman and Gotham City, or is it supposed to be the real thing? Why was I supposed to feel strongly about the relationship between Harry and Ginny, when it wasn’t developed at all? Why is Draco completely useless? What’s up with the Defense of the Dark Arts position being a stepping stone for evil, lying teachers? How many pancakes can Hagrid eat at one sitting? What’s the most disgusting of all the Harry Potter jelly beans? Did Ron brush his teeth after throwing up slugs or did he go to bed with sluggy puke breath? Has J.K. Rowling ever been to a sporting event in her entire life?

 Hottie Alert: Yes, I’m talking about all three of us.

What’s your overall thoughts and reaction to The Harry Potter Project and the movies themselves? I’m so glad I did this. The pop culture nut in me can finally sleep well at night, knowing that I am now in the know on one of the biggest literary figures of the past century. And the overwhelmingly positive response to this blog was a huge added bonus that I didn’t see coming. The reaction I received from Potheads made it even more fun for me, and made the exhaustive timeline more bearable. (By the way, thank you again to everyone who has commented. I’ve read and appreciated every single one. And I plan on replying to all of them soon.) As far as the movies go, they far exceeded my expectations. I thought they might be a kiddish bore, but I was wrong on both counts. I can honestly say that I really enjoyed all the films. If I were to grade the entire series as a whole, I’d give it a very solid… 8/10.

Coming up next: Inspired by watching the Harry Potter series,
I will be posting my Top 20 Favorite Movie Franchises of All Time!
Will Harry make the list?
If so, how will he rank compared with the likes of Frodo, Luke, and Spidey?
Tune in tomorrow!

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